Horsing Around

OK so some may say this is old news, though as every new day dawns a new food based scandal lands, literally, on our breakfast tables.

Mass panic in the streets to a level never seen since....at least last year, when it was rumoured that Boris Johnson was to chair the North Korean Peace Talks!

Horse-meat in pies, horse-meat in cakes, horse-meat in ...a 'Horse!' god forbid; ah but you get the gist.
The corporate blame game is in full swing with the buck being passed quicker than a coin swallower on Dioralyte!

But there is a simple answer. It comes straight from the 'Ryan Air' School of Business Methods.
It is simple, straight forward no nonsense, tell you to your face in a like it or lump it - we couldn't care less if it upsets you fashion.

All food containing meat will now be packaged in a non specific non committal fashion.
The label should read: ..

Ingredients:
70% Meat (Source= non specific from the genus of Mammal, Reptile, Bird, Amphibian, Arachnid, Homosapien and / or other  ) May contain derivatives of one or more of the following;- beef, pork, lamb, horse, chicken, gerbil, earthworm, hedgehog, budgie, an old vagrant etc.
WARNING May contain nuts, (Horses Nuts, Vagrants Nuts etc etc.)
   
This will remove the potential for the weary consumers to legally protest.
No more shall we hear the likes of the following complaint letter ever again.



Letter of Complaint 1

Dear Sir

I am writing to convey my dissatisfaction of one of your products purchased not 24 hr earlier.

With the knowledge that my dear old mother was to visit my home for some Sunday Dinner, I decided that such a joyous occasion  would merit a special meal using only food of the highest calibre. No scrimping on cost, only the best for a lady of 92 years who still has all her own teeth.

After much consultation with the rest of the family and browsing your on line shop, the dish was agreed. I subsequently completed my order via the web and awaited delivery.

The following morning the delivery arrived ahead of schedule, at this point I would have complimented you on such a speedy delivery service, however what followed next reminded me that I should have recognised the warning signs earlier.

When I remarked on the speed of the delivery vehicle, your driver replied with a somewhat wry sideways smile, that, and I quote: "You'd be amazed at the horse power contained in that van Sir!" 

 A flippant remark which didn't register at the time but, seems somewhat poignant now!

 I took the ingredients including this fine expensive meat joint, into the kitchen where my trustee oven had been eagerly waiting to welcome its new arrival into the warmth of its preheated oasis.

NB: This I must point out, the oven in question is my replacement oven, finally received after several months of complaints to your electronics department. I refer you to my correspondence of the 5th of June 2011, under the heading of

 "Fan Assisted Tumble Dryer With Grill!"

Though resolved now, I must add that my poor wife is still on the medication and we never did retrieve her girdle!

But I digress...back to the point in hand.

After what seemed like hours and 1 whole packet of plasters later, I finally succeeded in  removing the somewhat impossible packaging with the help of a rather rusty Stanley Knife and a few nips of Sherry for my trouble,

I was about to cover this larger than expected meat joint with my special home made herb infused glaze, which now, in hindsight would have been more suitable if the Olive Oil had been replaced with Linseed Oil!

I noticed that the joint had a wonderful bronzed coating to it and therefore, I presumed, was ready seasoned and basted. I therefore proceeded to open the oven door, which again I must say is easier to use now that I do not have to wait for the 'drying cycle' to complete before the door unlocks.

 I refer you once again to my previous letters ."Thermostat problem?: White wash comes out Pink in the middle!" And I must point out your comment re, Specsavers was most uncalled for!

As the joint was somewhat larger and of an odd shape, I had to remove all shelves first and then squeeze the beast in. Which I must add could only be done with the help of my elderly mother. 
Though we succeeded, it was only much later that I realised the reason for her sudden stoop in posture, was not caused by the onset of a mini stroke, but actually due to her plastic hip having actually melted and become bent due to her close proximity to the oven whilst assisting me earlier.

Anyway, as per the cooking instructions, 2.5hrs passed by somewhat quickly helped in no short way by my consumption of half a bottle of sherry and watching mother walking round in a somewhat constant small circle due to the malfunctioning hip implant.

At last the bell of the oven heralded the completion of our dinner preparations. I removed he joint from the oven, trembling under the sheer weight of it I nearly collapsed.

If it was not for my mother passing by, fortunately having moved closer to the kitchen. 
Only  after completing 436 mini doughnut turns and removing 4mm of laminate layers from the now worn down wood flooring in the process.
 I was able to rest the oven tray on her back, as her spine now stands at a handy 45 degrees from the horizon.

This I may add caused her no noticeable pain or suffering due to the loss of feeling caused by her sciatic nerve fusing to her molten hip hours earlier.
The slight warmth she did feel from the bubbling hot tray actually may have eased the muscle around her lower spine, so every cloud as they say...

At last with table adorned with all manner of finery including the best china, the Sunday best silver cutlery and striped fabric napkins, we all sat down to eat.

 I must point out that striped napkins would not have been my first choice but was all we had following the damage caused by the new rapid dryer unit we purchased last year.
I refer you to my previous letter.  

Table Top Dryer Unit: No settings for napkins, will the option for crumpets suffice? 

I must protest at this stage that the use of the phrase 'Short Sighted Baffoon' in your reply was not helpful. and your comment that 'everyone knows' Breville are famous for their Sandwich Toasters was condescending, we are not all experts on the history of manufacturers and their electric goods.

Not to be sidetracked again....

Dinner was served, though to say carving was somewhat difficult would be an understatement! I had to resort to using the new Black and Decker Veg Trimmer. 
A very powerful utensil which is a great addition to the kitchen knife draw, that is it would be if it could fit, as being much larger than it looked in your catalogue.
It has to be stored in the shed! I refer you to a separate letter on this item which will follow in due time.

 I commenced carving, not without incident, I hit a few snags when cutting through what I presumed were bones and assisted by my somewhat blurred vision courtesy of a newly opened bottle of sherry. It resulted in one cracked window and a broken hearing aid, caused by a ricochet hitting mother in the left ear. But I persevered and we managed to plate up and at last tuck into this delightful meal.

 Though be it via somewhat unconventional seating arrangements. Mother sitting on table with her dinner plate on the chair due to the ever changing angle of her curved spine, the wife ate her dinner in the ball pond on the patio due to disorientation caused mainly by increasing her medication as the day wore on.

What happened next I can only summarise due mainly to my memory becoming a tad foggy which I can only put down to being a mixture of 1.5ltrs of consumed sherry and the inhalation of diesel fumes from the Veg Trimmer!

Dinner, it may shock you to discover was a disaster! I am complaining to you not as a result of the unsuitable electric items I have purchased from your web site, not because my wife refuses to leave the ball pond and is now consuming thrice the medication she used to.

Not because my poor mother is now deaf in one ear, has one leg larger than the other and has such a deformed frame that we need 2 nurses and a spirit level to dress her, not because I am now a raging alcoholic with craving for sniffing exhaust pipes, but,

 BUT! Because your labelling on your meat produce if unacceptable, the ingredients stated are not what was contained within!

When I purchase a 'Saddle of Lamb I do not expect to be roasting the 'Saddle off a Dam'.
When it states the source is from 'Herds grazed on heather' I do not expect to see 'The words Dobbin emblazoned on leather!'

When your produce claims to be the high end quality option,  I expect this to be like 'Tescos Finest Branded Range' and not as I discovered Fresco's Finest Equine Branded on the Range!!'

I therefore expect a refund for the food purchased and the cost of a set of dentures for mother, as her original 'own teeth' we last seen flying out the window towards the dogs kennel after she took an almighty bite into the saddle. I fear we will never retrieve these now the dog has took a liking to them.

Yours Frustratedly
Mr Bewildered
Northants.